It's funny how, Even now, you still support me after all the things that I've done> How true. Unconditional support I can fuck whomever I want to However I want to Whenever I want to Wherever I want to Whether I want to or not Freedom to fall in love with someone else to try to forget you to see the light in your eyes go out You're so good to me, waiting patiently, and isn't it sad that you still have to ask If I care> Waiting for so many things waiting for yourself waiting to get better to suddenly get over your problems all by yourself even though both of us together couldn't Waiting for me to fall back into love with you although you were the one who fell out first Even though I'm always the first to fall in I'm tired of it Waiting for me to want you again even though it never stopped until lately I think I wish I knew God, how I wish I could mean it when I say "I love you" all of the time Instead of most of the time "Do I care?" I wonder aloud The fact that I'm even asking seems to say yes I never said I was perfect, but I can take you a way> But how far? How far do you need to be taken, Away from the things that keep you up at night that wake you so quickly I don't know if I can I'm too weak I fear that maybe my arms are not strong enough to hold back your nightmares Walk on shells tonight Can't do right tonight And you can't say a word cause I leap down your throat, so uptight am I> Walk on the shells that cut, bleed out your apologies that sound hollow as an old tree, the wind whistling through it making "Sorry" and "I love you" whistle into me. Speak, so that I might open your mouth wide and rip the words from your throat before they clog mine Allow me to cut out your tongue before you force mine into uncertain statements I never said I was perfect but I can drive you home> A home which you hate A home without me A home that you purged A home which you cursed I got down on myself Working too hard Driving myself to death trying to beat out the faults in my head> Trying to fix one of us at least we can say that we did something with each other afraid to admit that it was a mistake that it wasn't SUPPOSED to happen this way What a mess I've made Sure we all make mistakes But they've seen me so large that they think I'm immune to the pain> How am I supposed to react? I am known as the Equalizing presence The Mediator How am I supposed to live up to it with you as my biggest failure Walk on shells tonight Can't do right tonight And you can't say a word cause I leap down your throat, so uptight am I> Walk on th shells that cut Let the doubt bleed from you so that you can know that I love you so that you may dance on my strings as I decifer my own innermost workings I'm praying for a miracle but I won't hold my breath> Which to pray for? Pray for forgiveness to be forgiven for playing with uncertain emotions Pray for absolution for your heart to be burned barren no longer a puppet of affection and uncertainty Pray for salvation For my heart to be made crystal clear as plain as day to see exactly how and why I feel as I do and see how horrible I have become I never said I was perfect but can you take me home> To the desolate rooms which were ours for what seems like only a summer of hope a fall of horror a winter of passion and a spring of fading flames will you make love to me? Fuck me? Use me? Or will I? No, not today No longer is my name Devotion No longer will my name be Endurance No Today My name Is Agony And I will roll the dice And I will move the pieces in this game And I will not stop until you know What it is to betray me And love me still I will use my pain to weld you to me To keep as a toy of pain or pleasure Until I am drained Emptiness in the place of wrath then And only then will I be Jeremy again But Beloved Sanctuary Martyr Lover Boyfriend Savior Those names may never return And you must face the death Of those pieces of your game |
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My current feelings towards Jesse #2, boyfriend, fuckbuddy, whatever he may be, and my treatment of his feelings/our situation.
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August 21, 2006
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